y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You can't motorboat a personality
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
