Kiss
Puke
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
