i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
