apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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