I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
