the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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