The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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