Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
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After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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