i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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