My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
