im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
