i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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