my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
