i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
