Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Two words: nipple clamps
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
