My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
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Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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