yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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