I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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