Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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