You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
