Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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