it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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