I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
