and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
