well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
