Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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