what day is it and did you see me today?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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