You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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