If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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