I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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