Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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