My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
