Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
