Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
