I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
