I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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