what day is it and did you see me today?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
