rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
