you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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