my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Floor bacon is actually really good
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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