Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
