So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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