i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
