worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
