That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
