my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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