It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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