I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed