is your mom at the bar?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Success! We fucked roommates!