You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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