Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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