I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
