I'm passing your future prison.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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